Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Puppet of White Farm

On 25th of March, my short play The Puppet of White Farm was not performed in Belarusian Dream Theatre, a global theatre event about Belarus which contained submissions from writers in many different countries, writing about Belarus.

This event was problematic for me, because, firstly, it raised the question - "What do I know about Belarus?" and then a second, supplementary question "What does anyone know about Belarus?" Both are critical questions.

My submission, a parody of the musical Oliver! which follows the rise of President Lukashnko to power, was not written to be performed, as it is impossible to stage. It did, however, take many hours of labourious research and learning on my part. I also find it an interesting musical, not least because it contains a natural comparison between dictatorships and liberal democracies.

The full text of the short play are below. If you don't know the musical, you can find the corresponding tunes on Youtube, and you too can sing along to the tune of Lukashenko...





The Puppet of White Farm
A Musical for Belarus, a parody of Oliver!
By Richard Pettifer

Characters:                                                                                          Character in Oliver!
LUKASHENKO: President of Belarus                                                   Oliver  
BOYS                                                                                                   Orphanage boys
FOUNDING HOME COMMITTEE HEAD (FHCH)                          Mr. Bumble
BANKER                                                                                             Undertaker (Mr. Sowerberry)
ZŁODZIEJ SZTUKI (ZS) – A Polish ‘Artful Thief’.                               The Artful Dodger
FAGINOV – Soviet War Hero turned head of collective farm                  Fagin
MONGRELS                                                                                       Fagin’s Children
BELARUSIANS
SECRET POLICE
Note: The BOYS, BELARUSIANS, MONGRELS, AND SECRET POLICE form a general ‘chorus’, which can be as small as four or as large as 9.464 million members. FHCH, BANKER and FAGINOV can also double. Other arrangements may be possible, but all the text should attempt to be delivered in whole unless otherwise specified.
Cast Size: 7+

Musical Numbers:                                                                               Equivalent from Oliver!
(chords, or acapella, only)

SAUSAGE OR FREEDOM                                                                  Food Glorious Food
BOY FOR THE EXCHANGE OF THE GIFT OF MONEY                Boy for Sale
RE-CONSIDER THE ‘SELF’                                                               Consider Yourself
YOU’VE GOT TO BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO                               You’ve Got to Pick a Pocket or Two
Act 2
I’D DO ANYTHING, FOR YOU, COMERADE                                 I’d do Anything
LOCK-EM-UP, LOCK-EM-UP, THAT’S HOW IT GOES                    Oom-pah-pah
Style: Music-Theatre for the Age of Austerity.
Synopsis:

Act I

Our story begins in the Moscow Founding Home with the orphans singing about how they have little or no opportunity for anything other than survival (Sausage or Freedom, based on the rhetorical question of the 1991 election - "which do you prefer, sausage or freedom?" to the tune of 'Food Glorious Food'). Lukashenko is elected by straw poll to go and ask for more food, and when the Founding Home Committee Head expresses outrage, Lukashenko makes a passionate argument that elected representatives such as himself should be fed more, (calling to mind his real-life expressions in a forum in 2011 where he exclaims "I could not have a car and walk everywhere, but the people would be embarrassed"). The FHCH decides that Lukashenko should be given a second helping but also that he can't have such revolutionary ideas in the Founding Home, so he decides to offer to 'forget that Lukashenko ever existed if he is given an appropriate gift' (the sale of labour capital being an anti-Marxist idea). He takes Lukashenko to Minsk and agrees to 'forget the existence' of Lukashenko with a Banker in exchange for 7,000 Reubels. However, while the banker is complaining about having to hedge against the Soviet Union by investing in U.S Military suppliers, Lukashenko escapes and  meets the Polish communist Złodziej Sztuki
('Art Thief') who takes him through the realities of how capitalist ideas are dangerously intruding into Belarusian Life and creating too much individualism and narcissistic self-interest (Re-Consider the 'Self'). He takes him to his collective farm, run by the old war veteran Faginov who teaches him that closer ties with the East Farm are necessary for their survival and that military power is a necessity for any defense of shared values  (You've Got to Build a Rocket or Two). Impressed by Lukashenko's ability to simultaneous uphold two competing ideas, Faginov tells him "you will be the greatest man of all time".
Intermission

Act II
Fast-forward, and Lukashenko has now built the collective farm ("White Farm") into a productive operation in between the authoritarian East Farm and the super-profitable West Farming Union. He and the Złodziej Sztuki sing a celebratory song (I'd Do Anything for You, Comrade). Lukashenko discovers that Złodziej Sztuki has been secretly running a small gas pipeline trade ring with East Farm the profits of which are used to maintain the collective, and has also built up a modest wealth. Seizing the opportunity, Lukashenko openly accuses his friend of corruption, saying that anyone who benefits should be locked up (Lock-em-up Lock-em-up, That’s how it goes). The collective members are all afraid because they have secretly been benefiting from the gas operation. Lukashenko takes his new-found power from fear-mongering as an opportunity to declare the collective as independent from the East, appoint Secret Police and order that the traitor Złodziej Sztuki be sent to the pig-sty of the East Farm for hard labour, and his wealth possessed.
Złodziej Sztuki is put into stocks and prepared to be sent away to the Pig Sty. Lukashenko begins to deliver a speech, proclaiming that the restrictions on freedom are in the people’s own interests. However, at the last moment, the collective members begin to clap in protest. The sound infuriates Lukashenko, and he orders his secret police to lock all of the members of the collective up, even themselves.




The Puppet of White Farm
SCENE 1: AN ANTI-CORRUPTION STANCE IS NOT ALWAYS POPULAR

Moscow Foundling Home, 1959.
A sign on the wall is written “God is Love” with the word ‘God’ crossed out and replaced with a picture of Stalin’s head inexpertly pasted over the top.

Sausage or Freedom
(To the tune of ‘Food Glorious Food’)
BOYS:
Sau-sage or freedom
Which one is longer?
Which one is harder to get?
Which one is firmer?

Peas pudding and sav-e-loys!

We’ve traded our liberty,

Who nee-ee-ee-ds human rights

When you’ve got salami?!


The boys are huddled around a table, drawing straws. Lukashenko gets a short straw and ashamedly picks up his bowl and walks towards the Founding Home Manager (FHCH).
Lukashenko: Please Sir, can I have some more?
FHCH: MORE!
Lukashenko: Yes, sir. You see, in order for us to thrive, there must be a head of the organisation, who is able to present with dignity on behalf of the collective. As you can see by the drawing of my straw, I have been elected this representative. The dignity of myself is also the dignity of themselves. (Gestures grandly towards the boys) Would you want your representative to be thin and frail? No! You want him to be big and strong. Therefore, it is in the interests of the collective that I am given a second helping (he holds out the bowl).
FHCH: Someone get this boy a second helping! And then I will take him and sell him – I mean, exchange him for a gift - in Belarus. Although I respect leadership, I won’t be having such intellectualism in my Founding House.
LUKASHENKO: What?! Niet!! CORRUPTION!!!
This last exclamation is like entering a nightmare, as the orphans whirl about in a miraculous, dream-like set transformation, transporting us into the streets of Minsk, with Babushkas, horses and carts.

SCENE 2: CAPITAL HUMAN

FHCH drags Lukashenko through the dark, cold streets of Minsk trying to exchange him for a gift (the sale of human labour being anti-Marxist).
‘Infant Labour Capital for Exchange of the gift of Money’
(To the tune of ‘Boy for Sale’)
Espressivo
FHCH:
One boy, boy for exchange-of-the-gift-of-money,
The gift doesn’t need to be large,
Only 7,000 rubles.
If you put it, in my pocket,
I will suddenly forget that the boy ever existed!
One boy, boy for exchange of-the-gift-of-money.
A weedy, snivelling banker emerges from nowhere.
BANKER: Sir, I am a banker, I have a gift for you!
FHCH: Oh, that’s very kind of you!
BANKER: Here, take these 7,000 rubles. (winks)
FHCH: So kind of you, Comrade Banker. How is business?
BANKER: Oh, the U.S is winning the Cold War so we’ve limited our exposure to the Ruble and transferred ninety-two percent of our risk into U.S Military Corporations.
FHCH: That doesn’t seem very patriotic, comrade...
The banker is a little offended.
BANKER: Well, if you want, I can take my gift back...
FHCH: No, no, I see. It’s a strategy of feigned retreat. Perhaps it will lull the Americans into a false sense of security. Make them think that we will invest in them, and then... pull the money!
Banker looks at him quizzically. This was not at all his plan, his plan was only to make plenty of money.
BANKER: Indeed...
Awkward impasse avoided, they look around. Lukashenko has disappeared.
FHCH pauses, looks down at the 7,000 rubles in his hands. The two men share a warm moment. Then the FHCH spins and dashes off in pantomime, with the Banker in hot pursuit.

SCENE 3: THE ART THIEF

Lukashenko emerges, looking behind him to check that he has gotten away and around him at the wonderful new world of Minsk. He turns around and almost bumps into the loitering Złodziej Sztuki, (“Zwodjiey Z’tuki” lit. ‘Art Thief’), a common Polish thief wearing fingerless gloves and a crooked grin.
LUKASHENKO: What’s you’re name?
ZS: Złodziej Sztuki .
LUKASHENKO: Why’re you called that?
ZS: It means, “The Art Thief”. That’s my role in the system. Here’s how it works – I try to make life hard for the artists by targeting them with secret police. Over time, they grow poor and need the support of the state. So they sell us a couple of works, or they dedicate a few to the Leader. Then we raise the pressure a bit, and under those conditions of oppression and censorship, they slowly lose their will to self-expression, resulting in suicide. This is bad, because the state loses a talented artist, however, in the future, their work becomes worth a lot more. So I try to get my hands on some of it on behalf of the Soviet leadership, and then we try to get the artist to commit suicide at exactly the right time that their value will be maximised. Then the government can either hold onto it as an asset, or sell it if the conditions are right. Right now we’re targeting the Constructivists.
LUKASHENKO: That seems cruel.
ZS: Nah. Makes the artist useful. Gotta oppress ’em, else they wouldn’t know what ta do. Besides – the whole of Western Europe’s founded on the same idea. Ain’t you heard about the CIA supporting Jackson Pollock?
LUKASHENKO: I suppose so...
ZS: Listen, it’s not about the individual. That’s what artists don’t understand. They have to do what benefits the collective.
Lukashenko looks back at him doubtfully. ZS takes him around the shoulders and whispers conspiratorially.
Listen guvn’er. You gotta lose this ‘self’ thing. Otherwise you’ll never get along.

Re-consider the ‘Self’
(To the tune of ‘Consider Yourself’)
Intellectulo
ZS: Re-consider the ‘Self’ – a drone!
Re-consider the ‘Self’ one of the collective.
We’ve identified you, as ‘Comrade’!
And now you’re part of the five-year-plan.
Re-consider the self, not there!
Re-consider the self a piece of furniture.
There isn’t a lot to share,
Who cares? Whatever you got, you share.
Recitative
ZS: You got somewhere to stay?
L: No. But... if my self doesn’t exist, then I don’t need to shelter it, do I?
ZS: (Laughs) It doesn’t work like that. You still exist – just not as an autonomous individual making their own decisions with independent judgement. Come on, I’ll introduce you to old Faginov – he’ll show you the way!
They run off stage, ZS dragging Lukashenko through the crowd of roving fire-twirlers, dancing Belarusian milkmaids, militant looking police holding batons and full-sized shields, and farmers with potatoes sticking out of pockets and from under hats.
Music dissolves into a war soundtrack.

SCENE 4: GENERAL FAGINOV’S FARM

Sound of explosions.
Faginov looks through a small wooden telescope. He is on high alert as the missiles sail around him. The peasant MONGRELS are behind him, undertaking menial tasks and occasionally looking worried at the sound of an explosion. Lukashenko and ZS enter, ducking for cover.
FAGINOV: Defence! Defence! Should have built more чортаў (‘chortay  - ‘fucking’) defence!
He loads up a hand-made customised personalised AGS-17 grenade launcher and puts his finger in his ears as he anticipates the launch... which never comes. Like a dying flower, the weapon pathetically falls apart. Faginov looks at it with impotence.
FAGINOV: (manically, almost to himself, the sounds of war seem to fall away as he speaks) Boys, I’ll tell you an old Belarusian joke. There’s a chair with a nail sticking out of it. An American goes to sit on it, notices the nail, and removes it. A Polish goes to sit on it, notices the nail, takes it out, and puts it in his pocket, thinking it’ll be useful in the future. A Belarusian comes in and sit down and stays there. He thinks: “Well, I guess it was meant to be this way”.
LUKASHENKO: (frightened) What’s going on?
ZS: (carefully explaining, perhaps overly exaggerated) Faginov’s farm is caught between Ost Farm on one side and West Farm United on the other. They’ve been at war for years, and no sign it’s going to end.
FAGINOV: I’ll kill those damn Ost-ski’s if they launch one more missile that accidentally kills my chickens. And as for the West Farm United – the other day they dropped teddy bears from a plane with propaganda about oppression on it! What’s worse – the message was written in English. No-one could read it!

You’ve got to build a rocket or two
(To the tune of ‘You’ve got to pick a pocket or two’)
With extra pomp

FAGINOV: Kim Jong-Il
Had some sense
Scrapped the farms
Built defence
People look best in a slim bullet-proof vest-
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
MONGRELS: (angelic) People look best in a bullet-proof vest!
You’ve got to build a rocket or two!
The Mongrels part to form a mock catwalk. Faginov struts down the catwalk parading in an imaginary slimming bullet-proof vest while the Mongrels whoop and cheer. One of the Mongrels shoots him with an imaginary gun, and the imaginary bullet bounces right off, before Faginov blows him a seductive kiss. He throws off the imaginary garb wistfully.

FAGINOV: Old Kravchuk
Ukraine’s trout
Had the nuke
Chuk’d it out
A hrivnya saved is a hrivnya earned-
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys –
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
MONGRELS: A hrivnya saved is a hrivnya earned!
You’ve got to build a rocket or two!
The Mongrels form a short vignette, undertaking the daily business of the city of Hiroshima on August 6th, 1948. Fagonov, acting as the bomb ‘Little Boy’, jumps in their midst, scattering them in gruesome, schlock-horror fashion and leaving their bodies mere charred remains.
Lukashenko has become more and more enraptured by Faginov’s depictions of military power, and to everyone’s surprise, he occupies the third verse.
LUKASHENKO: Chichescū
Had a plan
Man makes gun
Gun shoots man
You can’t get blood on invisible hands,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys-
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
MONGRELS AND FAGINOV: A hands-off approach will keep them clean!
You’ve got to build a rocket or two!

Sounds of an explosion. Faginov falls, wounded. Lukashenko runs to him and catches him as he falls.
FAGINOV: (to Lukashenko) My dear, you will be the greatest man of all time!
Faginov dies.
Curtain.

¡ INTERMISSION !

ACT 2
SCENE 1: THE NEW WHITE FARM
Three years later. White Farm is now an autonomous collective, free from the influence of Ost Farm, and Lukashenko has risen to become leader.
He is working at his official desk, a proudly assembled sham of barrels, bits of wood, and chicken cages.
ZS: (accidentally poetic) Comrade! White Farm is running well.
You have all of the people content,
Unemployment is at two per cent,
And your approval rating is sky-high.
LUKASHENKO: What was the election result?
ZS: You received one hundred point five per cent of the vote!
LUKASHENKO: That’s great. (appears puzzled for a moment) What’s the point five?
ZS: (leaning closer, as if sharing a secret) It is said amongst the people that one of the pigs loved you so passionately that he, by some miracle, learned how to read, write and cast his vote just so that he could vote for you for the presidency, comrade!
LUKASHENKO: This makes me happy! I truly owe you gratitude for the scope of your persuasive campaign, comrade.
ZS: (bashful) Oh, really!

I’d do anything for you, Comrade
(To the tune of ‘I’d Do Anything’)
Brightly, with a polka influence

LUKASHENKO: I’d do anything for you, comrade
Anything, for you mean everything to me.

ZS: Would you harvest crops?
LUKASHENKO: Anything
ZS: Eat the piggery slops?
LUKASHENKO: Anything
ZS: Close down all the shops?
LUKASHENKO: Anything
ZS: Plant some secret cops?
LUKASHENKO: (whispered) They’re everywhere...
I’d risk (your) life and limb
(that’s YOUR life), everything
Yes I’d do anything
ZS: Anything?
Anything for you!
SCENE 2: GAS PIPELINE
There is a crash, and a burst gas pipeline, endowed with writing in Russian, crashes in through the side wall, and gently hisses. ZS screams a few orders in Russian and the burst gas pipeline is suddenly pulled from the room by invisible hands.
There is a silence as Lukashenko considers this interruption.
LUKASHENKO: What was that?
ZS: That? Oh, I suppose it was some kind of burst gas pipeline.
LUKASHENKO: What is it doing here?
ZS: Well, I’d say it is attempting to transfer liquid gas from one place to another, as gas pipelines do. (darkly) Although obviously, in this objective, on this occasion, it has failed somehow.
Lukashenko considers this, and proceeds meticulously.
LUKASHENKO: It seems strange, comrade. I mean, you are aware of my tough stance on corruption.
ZS: You are well known for this, comrade.
LUKASHENKO: And you would also, of course, know that the farm in face does not use gas of any kind.
ZS: Yes, of course. It would give the people ideas.
LUKASHENKO: Indeed. Then you must, by simple logic, empathise with my confusion when a burst pipeline with the words ost farm-west farm united pipeline – do not touch, enters the room.
ZS: I would understand if you required an explanation about this.
LUKASHENKO: Indeed. I would say that I do.
ZS: Very well. White Farm became unsustainable 3 years ago, and I received a lucrative offer from Ost Farm to run a gas pipeline to West Farming Union. Faced with the choice between preserving our ways and accepting this offer, or letting the farm become unworkable, I chose to accept the offer. However I did not want to insult you, comrade, by forcing you to accept it, and so I didn’t tell you about it. Unfortunately some of our comrades died in the negotiations, but the remaining ones were able to sustain themselves on the small payouts I distributed amongst them from the gas profits and to maintain their good communist lives.
LUKASHENKO: Was this the reason for our poor relations with the West of late?
ZS: Probably, comrade. But, you know... sausage or freedom...
LUKASHENKO: I see.
ZS: You won’t punish me, will you comrade?
LUKASHENKO: Well, I suppose that depends.
ZS: Upon what does it depend?
LUKASHENKO: I mean, let’s say for a moment, comrade, that I were in your position. There would be a great temptation, regardless of my admirable constitution, to use some of the profits from the gas for myself. For example, I know that you have a sick child. However, your child has been looking much more well of late. I also notice that you have been wearing boots of better quality, and that you have been increasingly market capitalist in your proposals for how the farm should be run. I ignored these things - after all, you are a close friend. However, faced with this current scenario which you have just proposed, I can’t help but think that you might have been behaving in a way that is not entirely in keeping with our aspirations to run an equal and grand farm.
ZS is somewhat embarrassed.
LUKASHENKO: I see from your look that it is true. So naturally I will have your family killed to correct this error, and you yourself will be indefinitely incarcerated and taken out only for official occasions where it is necessary to demonstrate the strength of the farm.
ZS: Comrade, I must protest.
LUKASHENKO: I wouldn’t do that, if I were you.
Two SECRET POLICE enter and proceed to put ZS in stocks as Lukashenko sings.

Lock-em-up lock-em-up that’s how it goes
(to the tune of ‘Oom-pah-pah’)
Demonically
During this song, as ZS is locked up, the BELSRUSIANS try to protest this but are combated by the secret police, who become more and more violent. The Belarusians begin clapping at the Police, who arrest the people.

There’s a little prob-lem
When curs’ed little gob-lins
Go tearing up the mandate that I rightly earned

If you double-cross me
You’re sure to make me frosty
I’ll teach you all the lessons that you should have learned

Lock-em-up lock-em-up that’s how it goes
Lock-em-up lock-em-up everyone knows
They all suppose what they want to suppose
When they hear lock-em-up.

During the song a small crowd of BELARUSIANS has gathered to view ZS’s sentencing. During the second rendition of the chorus, Lukashenko tries (and fails) to get them to start singing.

Lock-em-up lock-em-up that’s how it goes
Lock-em-up lock-em-up everyone knows
They all suppose what they want to suppose
When they hear lock-em-up.

SCENE 3: LUKASHENKO’S FINAL SPEECH, AND ITS DEVESTATING AND UNENDING APPLAUSE

During the reading of the following speech, the BELARUSIANS gathered should begin clapping, at first slowly, and then involving the audience, reaching climax that drowns out the words of Lukashenko. The SECRET POLICE begin violently taking Belarsians offstage, however the applause continues throughout.
(Note: The speech is taken from a meeting of ‘Pedagogical assets’ with Lukashenko, 29.08.2011)
LUKASHENKO: Fellow Comrades of White Farm!
As President, I propose to offer all sensible and loving my country people, of whatever political camp they belong to, to sit down at the table. Look each other in the eye and really assess who is who and what can be done to effectively improve the situation in the country, not to stomp and scream in the squares.
Those who want to fight and fight - please: fight in an open discussion, to prove their case, defend their point of view. But not through riots and with arms in their hands or through this mindless clapping. Such actions will be stopped immediately, as recently as the bulwark of democracy the most civilized nations.
Clapping begins.
The young want to be active participants in the events, so to speak, "making history." These are oppositional structures – their protests are a gamble, where you can "get rid of adrenaline."
The world is in the face of a new threat - deadly attacks of extremists from among their own young citizens. And this misfortune befell not only the "hot spots" of the planet, but also the most developed, peaceful and prosperous countries. One by one, the bloody terrorist attacks in Norway, followed by the crushing youth riots in the UK, and mass burning cars in Germany.
Academic and educational work should pay more attention to the formation of information and political culture of pupils and students, to develop their ability to resist the psychological manipulation techniques, see for beautiful phrases desire to impose someone else's point of view.
It is necessary to take urgent measures to eradicate these phenomena that threaten morality, law and order and the very gene pool of the Belarusian people. To be frank: the nation's future at risk if we do not correct the situation!
Clapping reaches fever pitch. Many secret police bashing protesters and dragging them away.
The modern world, enriched by the achievements of scientific and technological progress, at the same time, paradoxically, it is becoming more violent. Many countries and peoples under threat of aggression, imagine themselves capable of determining the fate of the planet. Even under the guise of doing this good for civilization, the Internet and social networking is turned into a means of manipulating public opinion.
Unfortunately, the wave of violence and vandalism, which is rolling around the world and touched the wing of the country April 11, 2011 in the Minsk metro. Involved in this and several explosions in Vitebsk and Minsk criminals commit their atrocities for the sake of fun, self-determination and the desire to snatch a minute notoriety. But these bad people have grown among us. Why did none of those who lived and worked there, could not stop in time to recognize and evil? You say these types of antisocial - isolated case, an exception to the rule. Even if true.
Lukashenko can now not be heard. During the next section, it is possible that he just stops talking, and the curtain comes down.
But there are other disturbing facts. We watch as our young people are being drawn into the illegal, anti-social activity. Let us recall the riots on December 19 2010 after the election, when a drunken crowd went wild at the Independence Square. Or recent actions of our tacit "social network revolutionaries."
Let's talk about a clear, simple truth. A successful and dynamic development of the country does not need a revolution and not a street anarchy and unity of all citizens regardless of their views and beliefs, focus on constructive cooperation. What are the reasons for the period we are going through once again, not only within our country, but outside? Of course, I realize I am not a dreamer, no one ever will allow the state to go to the heart of Europe’s "white gloves" and enjoy life. Of course, they will attack and the left and right - too sweet spot in the material and geo-strategic for our country. Our Belarus. I'm ready for this. Probably already and our people are ready. But this requires cohesion. Our strength - in unity. And the future of Belarus does not need to be solved in the squares and barricades, and through dialogue, a normal human conversation.
Mikhail Bulgakov correctly called the source of troubles, "Devastation - in their heads." Therefore, your first task now - to change your own attitude, become more alert, responsible and disciplined.
The overwhelming sound of clapping curtails Lukashenko by ushering in the...
Curtain

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